Fear

Fear: the driving force that causes us to hold back, retreat, or completely withdraw from achieving our goals.  I have been dreaming about starting a blog and, at one point, even did a half ass job of attempting to start one a few months back.  I became paralyzed by fear from all the what ifs?  What if I am a bad writer?  What if no one reads what I have to say?  What if no one cares?  But then the true question becomes, what if I write and people really like it?  Then what?

In full transparency, I was laid off from work a week ago.  It was the first time that I have ever been laid off from a job in my entire life.  I just remember sitting there thinking, “huh, so this is what it feels like?” It was almost like staying in a relationship just because of the fear of starting all over again.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job and my coworkers to death!  But when I dissected it down to what it really was, I didn’t love the actual work.  I spent so much time trying to convince myself that I was going to fit and that I was going to be a lifer and that I was going to be happy.  I fit just as well as trying fit a square peg in a round hole.  So, once I assessed the issue and did a little triage to stop the bleeding, I could finally start to see things more clearly.

I am scared as hell, but at the same time I am almost like a giddy little school girl again thinking about my future and what that can look like.  It can be anything I want it to be!  I have so much clarity around the paths that my life could travel.  There are 2 paths that I am currently considering.  The first is to sell my house in Nashville, take the profits that have accumulated over the last 3 years of homeownership in a booming market, and buy a vansion (van + mansion) to travel the country for a year with my senior pup.  The other path is to keep my house in Nashville and find another job like a normal person would.  I have always had a passion for nonprofits and helping people in need so this might be the universe telling me to move in this direction.

Let’s start with selling my house in Nashville.  The most obvious pro would be financial freedom for a year or so.  Basically, I can hear Cartman’s voice from South Park saying, “Whateva, I do what I want.” Another pro would be living out one of the biggest dreams I have ever had to travel for 365 days across the U.S., Canada, and Mexico with my dog.  Did I mention, I would get to spend every day with my dog?  The dog moms and dads get it.  Another large pro that comes to mind is all the new relationships and friends I could build in this process.  All the lives touched and the ones that would change mine with a single encounter.  The world is full of wonderful people and I want to meet all of them.  Moving on to some of the major cons, would be leaving my friends and some beautiful relationships that I have developed in the last 4.5 years.  Another con is that if I sell my house, I would have to kiss that area of Nashville goodbye as far as homeownership.  The rates and demand in East Nashville have skyrocketed and there is no telling when it would level back out.  More cons would include getting stranded somewhere or hurt because I would be traveling solo.  The last major con that comes to mind is what am I going to do when the money runs out and I need a place to land?

Moving on to finding another job in Nashville like a normal person should do.  Pro, I have always wanted to get into nonprofit work.  Since fear of making a change is no longer a factor, it opens this door.  Another pro is that I would be helping people for a living.  Does it get better than that?  I mean really?  I am the type of person that gets excited about volunteer work and even if it was hard work, I feel refreshed and so alive afterwards.  A major pro would be staying in Nashville and keeping my lovely little home, amazing friends, and established weekly routines of get togethers.  One last pro is that I will still be able to make a trip, it will just be much shorter and I will plan it to celebrate for 2 weeks prior to starting a new job.  The only con that I can think of would be always wondering if I missed my chance to live out a dream and the shoulda, coulda, wouldas of who I was going to meet, the adventures that might have been, and the lost life experience that would follow.

Gosh, writing it all down makes it so clear!  The more responsible choice would be to find another job that I love.  On the flipside, life is all about the journey.  The good news is that I have some time to think about it so I know that I am making the correct choice for me.  I cannot just aimlessly wander this planet without some sort of plan.  I want to have an impact.  I want to teach.  I want to experience.  I want to give.  I want to dream.  I want live.  I want to wander.  I don’t want fear to be a factor that determines my next steps.  I have a feeling that my life is changing for the best and that when one door closes, it forces you to walk in a direction of fear to open those next doors.  This is not the end, it’s the beginning.

Stay tuned: I may have to change my name to @tennesseewanderinghobo 😊